Caffeinated Theology

An e-mail exchange a few months back, brought on by a late show and work the next day:

L
And on the eighth day God realized he had to get back to work. Yet he was still tired. So God said, Let there be coffee! And lo! There was coffee, and it was dark, and it was fragrant, and it was good. And God said, Let us make this a benefit to mankind as well, that they might be comforted and enlivened thusly. And it was so.

But the serpent was crafty and whispereth into mankind’s ear, Ye need not spend so much time preparing thy coffee, nor provide such costly beverages to thy people. And he sheweth unto them the vacuum seal and the freeze-dry packets. And he compareth the price points and the abundance that could be had thereof. And mankind placeth these products throughout a multitude of office break rooms. And lo, much of mankind was grieved and sometimes wroth: Especially when presented with the non-dairy creamer.

But God had compassion on the low estate of his creation. And he alloweth Stumptown and its divers offspring to thrive in various regions, giving hope and succor to those thirsting for more than the airpot could offer. And when it could be found, it was blessed and it was good.

T
And lo, Cain took the goodness that God hath given and drinking of God's abundance to excess was overcome by unholy jitters. Upon seeing his brother, Abel, free from the dark eye circles and grumpiness that oft accompanies deprivation of sleep and related caffeine drunkenness, he gave into his jealous rage. Taking unto his hand an espresso portafilter, Cain smote his brother until his well-rested soul had fled his body. Upon seeing his brother's lifeless visage, Cain's rage gave way to shame and fear and he made haste to bury Abel's body under a mound of used coffee grounds.

God, in his infinite goodness, questioned Cain as to his brother's whereabouts. Cain was helpless to hide his guilt and shame and led God to the mound of grounds where he had hidden Abel's body. God's wrath rained down upon Cain like unto cowboy coffee atop an unruly bonfire and God said unto Cain, "You hath taken the goodness of my roasters and done unspeakable evil with it! For this reason you shall henceforth be banished to wander all of your remaining days among the robusta brews of see-through coffee coffee-houses!"

L
“And if thou attemptest to improve the flavor of thy cup, thou shalt be repaid with syrups and sugars contained therein, to turn thy stomach and makest thee remember and repent of thy misuse of my good gifts.”

Epilogue
Lest one think that the serpent is seen no more, be warned, he has only taken a more devilish form:

While Westernized societies continue to wave aside the effects of too much coffee as simply physical reaction to excess consumption, a few brave, wise souls have done what they can to let the public know the true cause of this potential societal downfall. For more information regarding the devil known as Mr. Coffee Nerves, go here: http://www.lileks.com/comics/coffnerv/coff1/index.html

(Please note, while tone of the link is derogatory, the facts just may well be true.)